Follow by Email

Thursday, June 30, 2011

MLB Has Cancelled the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Bartolo Colon Declared the Winner.

Extra, extra... this breaking news is just in.  Major League Baseball has called off the final two qualifers and the Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating contest out of concerns for the public's safety. 

We've all been wondering what was causing the delay in the qualifers for the American and National League East divisions and with the Fourth of July fast approaching, the rumors were beginning to spread. 

We have just learned, in a Why did my Dad make me a Mets fan exclusive, that Major League Baseball confirmed that while training for the upcoming event, Bartolo Colon not only downed a world record eighty hot dogs and buns in an amazing six minutes, he became so dismayed that there no further dogs to swallow, he took a bite out of his personal trainer.  After biting the trainer, he was apparently so heavily under the infulence of the nitrates that he proceeded to sprint nearly as fast as Ichiro to the nearest deli and devoured another twelve dozen dogs from the deli case before passing out. 

As the incident took place, Bartolo was caught on several cell phone videorecordings attempting to bite and eat everything that came remotely his way, including several stray cats, a great dane, and even a little old lady that was crossing the street before a good samaritan managed to get the woman to safety. 

(Editor's note - video of the events were briefly posted on YouTube and have since been removed due to their graphic and disturbing nature.)

Bartolo Colon awoke several hours later at a local hospital with no memory of the incident.  Doctors have attibuted Bartolo's bizarre behavior to be a result of acute nitrate poisoning that can only be attributed to injesting in a very short period of time an inhuman amount of hotdogs.  Toxicology reports later confirmed the doctor's original diagnosis. 

Bartolo will be issuing a statement shortly, as will Nathan's Famous.  The FDA has decided that they will not place any warning labels on Nathan's hotdogs or any other hot dog products for that matter as they have determined this to be an isolated incident.

However, in the interest of public safety, MLB has decided to cancel the event.  They do not want to run the risk of any further incidents and to have Bartolo withdraw from the event would destroy the integrity of the event.  Bartolo has been declared the winner. 

The Yankees have also announced in a separate release that Bartolo's hamstring has fully healed and he will be removed from the disabled list to make a start against the Mets this weekend.   His sprint to the deli satisfied the Yankee training staff.

No comments:

Post a Comment